Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Saturday Night In Review

The Dimwit is such a slacker. Can't even punch out a blog a day. He needs to be slapped around a bit, although we are all a little fearful it wouldn't be punishment to him. Anyways, he promised Lady J a story since she is alone in Australia and can't find Hugh Jackman or Nicole.

So here it goes... The Dimwit was sitting around his house Saturday night watching football, when his roommate James asked if he wanted to go bar-hoping in Rice Village with some buddies of his. With nothing else to do, The Dimwit agreed. We'll fast forward to the end of the evening, as really nothing other than drinking and debauchery occurred between this point and the really fun part of the evening.

At 2am, we were asked to leave Baker Street Pub and as we ambled through the parking lot, James notices a purse sitting on the curb. A drunk fellow exclaims "Some chick left it when she got in a cab." James picks up the purse, and being the good samaritans that we are, start rummaging through it. We'll go through the entire contents of the purse later, but as for now The Dimwit grabbed the phone and, for lack of a better term, started Drunk Dialing. (The Dimwit was a little intoxicated.) After a call to this poor girl's mother, left a voicemail, it was decided that the best plan of action would be to look at the text messages and see who her real friends were. Thus Chris was found. After leaving another fun voicemail, we decided that we probably wouldn't hear from her until morning. Packing up in James' Jeep, we headed back to the Dimwit Domicile. James' friend Cory was in the back seat with the purse, inspecting the contents:
1) Make-up Compact
2) Texas Driver's License - The Dimwit will admit now, she was a looker!
3) Credit Card - Oh we contemplated a shopping spree, but really what is open at 3am that The Dimwit would want to buy? Let's not answer that question...
4) More make-up crap, some kind of clamp type thing that is used on the eyes... women and their make up crap, The Dimwit thinks this thing looks like some kind of torture device... get one near him and there will be violence... anyways, back to the list...
5) A bag of WEED! Yep, that's right folks, weed. At this point, the drunk Dimwit freaks a little... "Dude, possession is a felony or something..." James retorts: "Relax, it's only a misdemeanor, I think..." Cory wisely takes the baggie of weed and deposits it in his pocket. "Hey I don't smoke it but maybe I can make a few bucks.," Cory says.

At this point there are a couple of scenarios going through my mind:
1) Getting pulled over by the cops and all three of us getting busted for misdemeanor possession.
2) Actually returning the purse to some drug-addict junkie who is packin' heat, finds that her precious baggie of weed is missing, then ending up a bloody corpse, another victim of the mean streets of Houston.

Her phone rings. In a panicked voice the Dimwit answers. On the other end is the most sad, girly voice. She explains that her car was towed and that to get it back she needs her purse, ID and credit card. Thankfully she doesn't need the weed, at least at this point. After dropping off Cory and the weed at his car, James and the Dimwit agree to meet this girl at a VERY public place, the 59 Diner.

When their cab pulls up, the Dimwit stays in the building. More witnesses = less death. There are 4 people total, two couples. The purse girl, Jessica, runs in the doorway... the Dimwit fears for his safety. She unexpectedly and literally jumps and gets the Dimwit with a full bear hug. The Dimwit waits for the feel of a knife or other deadly object. Nothing. At this point, the Dimwit realizes she is REALLY drunk. She starts thanking the Dimwit profusely, relaxes the bear hug of death a bit, then looks the Dimwit right in the eyes, leans in and plants a big kiss, right on the lips. The Dimwit still doesn't really know how to react and before he can say anything, she says "If my boyfriend wasn't here, I'd TOTALLY make out with you right now. You are SO awesome!" The Dimwit's response: "Well, here's your purse." The other couple and the boyfriend come on in after paying the cabbie, and Purse girl then gives James a big hug (but no kiss, HAHA) and repeats her threat/promise that she'd make out with him as well if only her boyfriend wasn't present. Needless to say, he wasn't happy to hear this sentiment. He tried to give James $20 as a "thanks" for all our trouble. But James and the Dimwit refused payment, mainly out of guilt that Cory stole the weed. Their little party then awaited a friend to pick them up, whilst James and the Dimwit got a table and ate some well deserved breakfast at 4am.

That was Saturday night/Sunday morning for the Dimwit. Jessica, if you're out there reading this blog, the Dimwit apologizes profusely but also is adamant that CORY has your baggie and in no way did the Dimwit condone such thievery. The Dimwit tried very hard to get Cory to place the baggie back in the purse and just forget it was there. But then again, a lost baggie of weed is a small price to pay compared to what we COULD have done with your credit card... lesson to be learned: Don't leave your purse on the curb, you never know what might happen to your weed.

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